Forever yours
by MaryJane'sLastDance
Summary: How selfhood begins with a walking away, and love is proved in the letting go - Robert Cecil Day-Lewis
1. A Hotel in Pasadena

Disclaimer – I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.

A/N – This is my first Criminal Minds story. It was just an idea I had that wouldn't go away. Hope you like it.

XXX

_How selfhood begins with a walking away, and love is proved in the letting go – Robert Cecil Day-Lewis_

It was three o'clock in the morning as Hotch pulled his rental car into the parking lot and switched the engine off. He felt a knot in his stomach as he climbed out. Emily knew she wasn't supposed to contact any of them, but Hotch had received a phone call asking him to catch the next flight to Pasadena and meet her at a small motel just outside the city. Something was wrong.

He found room 17 and knocked. She opened the door and hurried him into the room, closing and locking it behind him. Once she was sure it was securely locked, she turned to face him.

"Hello, Hotch," she said softly.

"Hello," he said.

With tears in her eyes, she pulled him into a hug. She knew Hotch wasn't much of a hugger but she needed to feel close to a part of her old life. Hotch wrapped his arms around her and returned the hug.

"What's going on Emily?" he asked. "Are you in danger?"

"No," she said, pulling away. "Nothing like that. I just need you to do something for me. Something important."

"Anything."

"Sit down."

The two of them sat on the bed facing each other. Emily rested her hands on her knees and took a deep breath. She looked down at the floor as she tried to gather her thoughts and find the right words.

"Two weeks after I left, I found out I was pregnant. After everything that happened with Doyle in that warehouse, it was a miracle the baby survived, but she did."

"She?"

"Yeah. I had a little girl." Emily stood up and walked to the other side of the bed. She carefully lifted the bassinet which held her 6 week old daughter onto the bed. "Her name's Rebecca."

"She's beautiful." Hotch smiled at the sleeping infant.

"Yes, she is." Emily held her daughters tiny hand and wiped away the tears that escaped from her eyes.

"What do you need me to do?"

Emily swallowed the lump in her throat as she turned to face him. "I can't keep her with me. It's not safe for her. I need you to take her to her father."

Hotch was shocked. "Emily, are you sure you…"

"Don't," she interrupted. "Just don't. You know as well I do that if Doyle found out I'm alive then he would stop at nothing to find me. I can't drag her into that. Besides, what kind of life would she have with me? I have to keep moving around, looking over my shoulder. She needs stability. She needs a parent who will give her a safe, happy home and I know she'll get that with her dad."

Hotch silently watched Emily. She gently stroked the side of Rebecca's face, smiling at the child was about to give up. He knew she had good reason to be worried. He didn't want to think about what would happen if Doyle found out she was still alive.

He sighed. "You do realise her father probably thinks you're dead?"

"I know. But if you explain why faking my death was necessary, he'll understand. I know he will. And I know he'll make a great father."

"Are you sure that it's someone who would able to keep this secret?"

"Definitely." She looked Hotch straight in the eye. "It's Reid."

"Reid? Spencer Reid?"

"Yep."

Hotch didn't know what to say. He'd always noticed that Prentiss and Reid seemed close, but he never thought there was anything romantic between them. As he thought now about just how distant and withdrawn Reid had been since Emily's "death", he wondered how he hadn't figured it out for himself.

"Emily, I had no idea."

"No one did. We wanted to keep it quiet until we knew where we stood. When JJ left, I was really upset about it and I had trouble sleeping. I don't know why, but one night I decided to call Spencer. He couldn't sleep either so we went to one of those 24 hour coffee houses and sat there all night, drinking coffee and talking till the sun came up. He walked me home and I kissed him. It just kind of happened. I didn't plan it. I hadn't even thought of him like that until that moment. We started dating and it was wonderful. We were just starting to get serious when all the stuff with Doyle happened and I had to leave."

Emily lifted Rebecca up as she started to wake. She gently rocked her back to sleep, softly cooing that everything was okay.

"Hotch," she said, her voice full of apprehension. "How is he? Is he coping?"

"He's doing as well as can be expected."

He knew it sounded generic and rehearsed, but it was all he could think of. Up till tonight, Hotch thought that Reid had been really struggling with losing a friend. Now, he realised that he was actually coping quite well with losing a girlfriend. Emily chewed her bottom lip and tried to hold back the torrent of tears. She wished that she could be with Spencer right now. She had been going through hell since she left, mourning her loss of him as much as he had mourned her.

She returned Rebecca to her bassinet and took a suitcase, a diaper bag, a stroller and a car seat from the closet.

"Could you take these out to the car, Hotch, while I say goodbye?"

"Of course."

It took two trips to get everything into the trunk. Once the car seat was securely in place, he waited patiently for Emily. He was already wondering how he would explain everything to Reid and wondering how he would cope with suddenly becoming a single dad.

Emily's face was stained with tears when she eventually came out of the room. She walked past Hotch and fastened Rebecca into the car seat. She kissed her precious child on the forehead before closing the door. She kept her back to Hotch as she tried to compose herself, before turning to him and handing him an envelope addressed to Reid.

"Can you give this to Spencer?"

Hotch took the envelope and nodded.

"Could you also tell him that I love him? And that I miss him."

"Of course."

"Take care of them, Hotch. Both of them."

"I will."

"Thank you." Emily walked briskly back to the motel room, desperately wanting to look back at the car, but being unable to. She had to keep reminding herself that this was what was best for Rebecca. She shut herself in the room and listened to the engine start and the gravel crunch underneath the wheels.

Only when she could no longer hear the car, did Emily allow herself to break down.


	2. Hello Rebecca

Disclaimer – I don't own Criminal Minds.

A/N Thank you for the reviews :) Hope you enjoy this chapter as well.

XXX

Reid cleared his throat as he knocked on the door to Hotch's apartment. He was certain that no good could come from being summoned to your boss's home in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. Confusion crept over the young genius when Hotch answered the door with a smile.

"Reid," he said. "Come in."

"Thank you," Reid said as he entered. "What's this about?"

Hotch motioned to the couch and Reid sat down. "Reid, I know about you and Emily. I know that you were dating."

Reid's jaw fell. "How?"

"Emily told me."

"I don't understand."

"There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just be frank. When Emily was stabbed, we knew that if she survived, Ian Doyle would never stop looking for her. So, we faked her death."

"She's still alive?" Reid asked, barely above a whisper.

"Yes."

Reid felt tears well in his eyes. Emily, his Emily, the woman who he had loved and had mourned, was still alive. "Where is she?"

"I don't know. Even if I did, I couldn't tell you. It's safer for her if no one knows."

Hotch saw every emotion possible pass over Reid's face – anger, happiness, hurt, relief – and put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. Reid shrugged it away and stood up. He began pacing the room.

"Are you okay?"

"No. How could she do that to me? How could she just leave like that? I loved her, Hotch. I was in love with her. And she said she loved me."

"She did love you. She asked me to tell you that she still does and that she misses you."

"You've seen her?"

"She called me last night and said she needed to see me urgently."

"Is she ok?"

"When she left, she was pregnant with your child. She didn't know till after she'd gone. She wanted me to bring the baby back here, to you, so you could take care of her."

"I…I…" Reid couldn't make anything coherent come out, so he said nothing. He sat down on the armchair and rubbed his hand over his chin. "Where's the baby?"

"She's in Jack's room."

"I have a daughter," Reid said, more to himself than to Hotch.

"I'll go and get her."

Hotch left Reid alone with his thoughts. He wasn't even sure if he wanted kids, but now he had to care for one on his own. He was still having trouble getting his head round Emily being alive. He didn't know how he was supposed to be feeling.

He looked up to see Hotch return, his baby daughter cradled in his arms. His breath caught in his throat as he saw his child for the first time. Hotch carefully handed her over, instructing Reid to support her head.

"Her name is Rebecca."

Rebecca grasped at her father's finger and Reid finally relaxed.

"Hi, Rebecca. I'm your daddy."

XXX

After Rebecca finally went to sleep that night, Reid sat on his couch and opened the letter Emily had written to him. He was still a little shell shocked by the day's events, but he felt it was finally starting to sink in. Hotch had told him to take some time off, as long as he needed, to get used to being a dad. Reid had no idea how long that would take.

He could hear Emily's voice in his head as he read her words.

_Spencer,_

_I love you. I hope you understand that and know that I didn't want to leave you. I never wanted to leave you. The moment I found out I was pregnant with our child, I wanted so desperately to be with you. Every doctors appointment, every ultrasound, every time she kicked, I wished so much that you were by my side, sharing it with me. I can't put into words how much I wished for that on the day she was born._

_It wouldn't be right for me to keep her. As much as I want to, I couldn't do that. The only option is for you to take her and give her the life she deserves. And I want her to know you, the man I fell in love with._

_The time I spent with you, was the happiest time of my life. You are one of the sweetest, most compassionate, kindest people I have ever met. You made me feel like the most important thing in your world and I will never forget that. I know that you will love, nurture and care for Rebecca no matter what and that makes me feel a little easier in letting her go._

_Please remember that she was made by two people in love and I would be right there with you if I could. Make sure she knows it too. If I am ever able to come home, I will be there in a heartbeat, raising our daughter, and being the woman that you deserve._

_Until then, I love you both with all my heart._

_Forever yours,_

_Emily x_

He read the letter five times before he carefully returned to the envelope and hid it away in box at the back of the shelf in his closet where no one would ever find it. Wiping away tears, he stood over his little girl in her crib and watched her sleep.

"I guess it's just you and me now, Angel."


	3. Welcome to the family

A/N This one took a lot longer than I thought to write! Hope people are still interested and enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer – I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters from it.

XXX

Garcia heard the baby crying a good minute or so before Reid made it to her lair, a diaper bag slung over his shoulder and Rebecca in the car seat.

"Garcia, you have to help me," he said, more than a little panicked. "She won't stop crying. I don't know what to do. I've changed her, I've fed her, I've burped her but she won't stop crying. She can't be tired because if she was tired she'd just stop crying and go to sleep, right?"

"Slow down, boy genius," Garcia said. "Start from the beginning. Whose is the baby?"

"Mine."

Garcia was shocked. "Yours? You have a baby?"

"Make her stop crying and I'll explain. I haven't been able to pick up any books on childcare yet. I really need your help."

Garcia smiled reassuringly before picking Rebecca up and holding her close to her chest. Rocking her back and forth and gently shushing her, Garcia eventually managed to settle her down.

"How did you do that?" Reid asked in awe.

"Honey, some things are instinct, not books."

"I suck at this," he said as he flopped into a chair and rested his head in his hands.

"You'll learn. Now explain how you have a baby that I didn't know about."

"I only found out about her yesterday. I was involved with her mom for a while last year. It ended before she knew she was pregnant. She's not in a position to take care of a baby right now, so she gave Rebecca to me." Reid gave Garcia the story that he and Hotch had decided on, close to the truth but no specifics. He held his breath, inexplicably nervous that Garcia would know that he was talking about Emily.

"Rebecca," she said, smiling at the baby. "Pretty name for a pretty girl."

Reid watched Garcia. She was a natural. He wondered if he really would learn how to look after a baby. "Where are the rest of the team?"

"Baltimore, looking for a kidnap victim," Garcia said, turning to him and smiling.

"Oh." Reid went quiet and stared down at his feet. Garcia didn't need to be a profiler to know something was worrying him.

"You okay, kiddo?"

"I don't think I can do this on my own, Garcia. I couldn't even get her to stop crying."

Garcia carefully knelt down in front of him and took his hand in hers. She looked into his eyes and spoke softly to him. "You're not on your own, Reid. You've got us. We're a little family here and families take care of each other. This little girl is going to have aunties and uncles who love her and a dad who will do great as soon as he realises that not everything is in a book. Okay?"

Reid half smiled. "Okay."

"Good. You want to take her?"

"I don't think she likes me."

Garcia chuckled. She loved how innocent Reid could be sometimes. "Of course she likes you. You're her daddy."

"She's only 6 weeks old. She has no idea who I am."

"Sure she does."

Garcia handed her back to him. Rebecca smiled up at her father.

"See," said Garcia. "She loves you."

XXX

The BAU got back to DC early on Wednesday evening, their kidnap victim found and returned home safely, all of them tired and looking forward to sleeping in their own beds. None of them expected to find Reid sitting at his desk holding Rebecca.

"Hey kid," said Morgan. "What's with the baby?"

"This is my daughter," said Reid proudly.

Morgan's eyes widened. "What?"

"You have a baby?" asked Rossi.

"I only just found out myself. Her mom can't look after her so she's living with me. I wanted you all to meet her."

"Spence, she's beautiful," said a smiling JJ. "What's her name?"

"Rebecca."

"Hand her over to her Uncle Derek," said Morgan, not waiting for a reply before taking her from Reid. Morgan smiled at Rebecca and started talking baby talk to her, amusing the others.

"How's it going?" asked Hotch.

"Fine mostly," replied Reid. "I had to get Garcia to help out a couple of times. Apart from that I think I've been okay."

"You getting used to being a dad yet?"

"Yeah. I'm really enjoying it too."

"Good. I'm glad."

"Hey, Pretty Boy," said Morgan. "I think someone needs a diaper change."

Reid sighed and took Rebecca back. He picked up the diaper bag and headed to the bathroom. After he left, Morgan turned to Hotch. "This is what his personal time off was for?"

"Yes," said Hotch. "He needed some time to settle into parenting."

"What's going on with the mom?" asked JJ.

"Reid dated her last year. He didn't know she had his baby till a few days ago."

"Why can't she take care of Rebecca?" said Rossi.

"It's complicated. And it's Reid's personal business so let's stop talking about it and concentrate on being there for our friend. Okay?" Hotch fixed them with his trademark glare, signalling that it was the end of the matter. The three agents nodded in agreement with their boss.

"I think I'm finally getting the hang of changing diapers," said Reid as he returned.

"It's not as easy as it looks, is it?" said Hotch, chuckling. "You should have seen me trying to change Jack."

"Wait till she starts squirming," said JJ.

"Ah, my children have come home to me," said Garcia as she joined the group.

"Hey, Baby Girl," said Morgan. "You miss us?"

"Always. So, what do we think of Junior Genius?"

"I think she'll do wonders for Reid's love life," said Morgan, wrapping his arm round Garcia's shoulders. "The ladies love a single dad."

"You're a pig," said JJ. "Do you know that?"

"No one is using my daughter to meet women," said Reid. "And I'm with JJ. You're a pig."

"Come on," said Rossi. "Uncle Dave wants a hug."

Reid carefully passed Rebecca over to Rossi. "Hey little one," said Rossi. "Welcome to the family."

Smiling, Garcia turned to Reid. "Told you you weren't alone."

Reid returned her smile.


End file.
